[...]" Meaningless. All of it was meaningless. My very existence was meaningless.
The whole world was meaningless.
My forehead pressed against my knees, and I wondered how much longer I would be able to stand this. Maybe it was hopeless. Maybe, if my attempt was doomed to failure anyway, I sould stop torturing my self and just go back...
The idea was so powerful, so healing - like the words contained a strong anesthetic, washing away the mountain of pain I was burried under - that it made me gasp, made me dizzy.
I could leave now, I could go back.
Her face, always behing the lids of my eyes, smiled at me.
It was a smile of welcome, of forgiveness, but it did not have the effect my subconscious probably intended it to have.
Of course I could not go back. What was my pain, after all, in comparison with her happiness? She sould be able to smile, free from fear and danger. Free from a longing for a soulless future. She deserved better than that. She deserved better than me. When she left this world, she would go to a place that was forever barred to me, no matter how I conducted myself here.
The idea of that final separation was so much more intense than the pain I alerady had. My body shook with it. When she went on to a place where she belonged and I never could, I wuld not linger here blind. There must be oblivion. There must be relief.
That was my hope, but there were no guarantees. To sleep, perchance to deam. Ay, there's the rub, I quoted myself. Even when I was ash, would I somehow still feel the torture of her loss?
I shuddered again.
And, damn it, I'd primised. I'd promised her that I wouldn't haunt her life again, bring my black demons into it. I wasn`t going back into my word. Couldn't I do anything right by her? Anything at all?
The idea of returning to the cloudy little town that would always be my true home on this planet snaked through my thoughts again.
Jus to check. Just to see that she's well and safe and happy. Not to interfere. She would never know I was there...
No. Damn it, no. "[...]